IDIOT OF THE MONTH: Legends of stupidity return to May leaderboards

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Welcome to Deadspin’s IDIOT OF THE MONTH. Please enjoy our latest offering to the pageview gods, presented thusly in a convenient slideshow format.

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Image for article titled IDIOT OF THE MONTH: Legends of stupidity return to May leaderboards

What’s that saying? “If someone shows you they’re an irredeemable piece of shit, believe them”? Case in point, alleged sex criminal Jackson Mahomes.

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Before you tweet, think about what’s happening around the NFL these days. Think really hard about it, particularly if you’re soliciting a massage therapist. C’mon.

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Jewish volleyball standout George Santos finds himself on this list after he was finally indicted on charges including fraud and money laundering.

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This titan of idiocy bought an arena football team and it went to shit pretty much immediately. Who could have seen this coming, except everyone?

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We don’t take enough people’s passports away.

That can be the only conclusion when seeing how Trevor Bauer, our most recent export of sludge that no one asked for, right up there with Fords, has landed with a splat in Japan. You could argue that Japan is the one that welcomed him, so they’re getting what they deserve. And boy are they getting it.

Bauer showed up with at best an ill-conceived and at worst insulting — and it’s Bauer so always assume the worst — strikeout celebration before he’d ever thrown a pitch. His teammates were already on alert after seeing it, which in a shocking bit of actual awareness he shelved. Perhaps the language barrier prevented him from invoking the usual “it’s your fault if you’re insulted” excuse.

Then again, Bauer didn’t have much excuse to be pulling out any celebrations, seeing as how he spent his first three starts getting his ass kicked up to his ears by NPB hitters, to the tune of an 8.40 ERA. If you’re going to be a galactic asshole who can’t change his ways, the least you could do is pitch well.

Maybe he’ll blame it on the lack of sticky stuff, or the fact that Japanese baseballs are pre-tacked, or maybe he’ll come up with something new to absolve himself. It’s always been his best skill.

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If there were a shitgibbon parade, Brett Favre would be in the running for grand marshal. As if he couldn’t lean any further into the muck, Favre sank deeper into the mud this month by calling for a Fox News boycott over the right-wing propaganda network firing host Tucker Carlson. It’s not entirely surprising that Favre is a loyal viewer of Carlson’s, though. What a boycott of Fox News is supposed to accomplish is still up for debate, but it’s still not the most worthless thing Favre has been involved with lately.

Favre clearly shares a deep parasocial connection to Carlson’s face on his TV. For years, Carlson was the face of the network’s pro-Trump faction. Favre endorsed Trump in 2020, golfs with the Hair Fuhrer and Carlson’s show was often a gentle landing spot for Trump’s nightly drivel. They also have similar problems, which include sending text messages whose contents wind up being used as damning evidence.

Carlson’s text messages played a significant part in Fox News being sued for billions of dollars by Smartmatic and Dominion Voting Systems. Former Tucker Carlson Tonight staff member Abby Grossberg’s lawsuit allegedly also played a factor in Carlson’s departure. Carlson suffering consequences for his misconduct may also have been triggering for Favre, who has dodged accountability thus far and who also has his own dubious history of sending illicit text messages. Favre’s text messages with the former Governor of Mississippi have him under investigation as well, although he has denied any wrongdoing.

Favre’s troubles stem from a civil lawsuit filed by the Mississippi Department of Human Services which is seeking to recoup welfare funds diverted to vanity projects, among other misallocated funds. Favre knows the feeling of swimming in lawsuits related to his own foul actions.

One incontrovertible truth about America in 2023 is that grifters will gravitate towards other grifters like magnets. Carlson clung to Trump once he sensed the grift gene and Favre is doing the same thing with Carlson. Favre is going to need friends in high places soon and likely views getting into the good graces with fallen miscreants like Carlson and Trump as his only potential escape.

Commence the shitgibbon parade.

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Did we learn nothing from Pete Rose, whose name is still akin to Lord Voldemort in parts of Cincinnati despite being the city’s greatest athletic export? Well, at least former Alabama baseball coach Brad Bohannon didn’t understand that being allegedly associated with betting on games he was managing was a bad thing. The Crimson Tide are a great baseball team, good enough to be one of the top 16 teams in the country, and host an NCAA Tournament regional this weekend. Bohannon’s managerial skill isn’t in question. Do you know how badly you have to fuck up to get fired at a school that cares about three sports (football, spring football, and football recruiting), and you’re not involved in any of them? When all your program does is add meaningless icing on a self-deprecating Nick Saban cake? Yup, you did that Braddy boy. How’s unemployment? At least betting is not ethical for you!

Bohannon was axed on May 4 for “among other things, violating the standards, duties, and responsibilities expected of University employees,” per a statement from Alabama athletic director Greg Byrne. While how heavily Bohannon was involved in the sports betting that led to him getting the pink slip isn’t publicly known, and may never be, but his quick ouster does all the talking for both sides. Maybe Bohannon thought he could get away with it, or it wouldn’t be a fireable offense (the most idiotic option), or he was looking for a quick way out of coaching forever. Having no moral compass or external reference point to think this was a bad idea shows Bohannon isn’t fit to run a Division-I athletic program. It’s actually twisted to think this was going on for a while before he was caught. How many results were influenced by slimy tactics that somehow didn’t derail the Southeastern Conference baseball season?

The person making the wagers that flagged questions was identified as Bert Eugene Neff Jr., of Mooresville, Ind., by Sports Illustrated, the parent of a current University of Cincinnati baseball player. His relation to Bohannon is unclear, other than through the baseball world, as Bohannon never coached in the state of Ohio. Either way, congratulations on being a huge dumbass, and thinking helping someone make money off your kids through sports betting was a good idea.

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The baseline question for every IDIOT OF THE MONTH selection is: How could they be so stupid? So obtuse? So… idiotic? However, in the case of Bob Huggins, it’s a widely known fact that he’s a dumbass. It’s only a matter of opportunities until he does something brainless, heinous, or both.

This time around, the West Virginia basketball coach jumped on a radio show and called Xavier fans the F-word that went out of circulation once empathetic human beings dropped casual homophobia from their vocabulary. And Ol’ Bobby said it not once, but twice when talking about the “Catholic f — s” from Xavier, The back-and-forth featured a tasteless transgender joke from Bill Cunningham, and the hosts of the show, who tried to stifle laughter — either at Huggins’ comment or his lack of decorum — throughout the Huggy Bear story hour.

And if you’re wondering how quickly Huggins got fired, he didn’t. Instead, the 69-year-old walking scandal received a $1 million reduction in salary (he now makes $3.15 million as opposed to $4.15 million), and has to go to sensitivity training. Lord help the counselor trying to teach old bigots new societal norms.

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Glen Kuiper did it to himself.

“I could not be more sorry and horrified by what I said. I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies,” said the Oakland A’s longtime announcer just before he got suspended a few weeks back for saying the N-word when discussing the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum.

It’s kinda like the only word white people can’t say, and Kuiper still found a way to mess it up. And because of it, he lost his job.

“Monday morning, I was informed by an NBC executive that after a 20-year broadcasting career with the Oakland Athletics, my contract was terminated, effective immediately,” Kuiper wrote in a statement. “The termination was due to the unintentional use of an offensive word on the air during the May 5 pregame show.”

And if you were one of those people that think he made a simple mistake and didn’t mean anything by it, well, you fell for it.

“Please know racism is in no way a part of me; it never has been, and it never will be. I appreciate the Negro League Museum president Bob Kendrick and Oakland A’s great Dave Stewart’s public support of me in light of this. I am an honest, caring, kind, honorable, respectful husband, and father who would never utter a disparaging word about anybody. Those who know me best know this about me.

“I wish the Oakland A’s and NBC Sports would have taken into consideration my 20-year career, my solid reputation, integrity, and character, but in this current environment traits like integrity, and character are no longer considered. I will always have a hard time understanding how one mistake in a 20-year broadcasting career is cause for termination but I know something better is in my future.”

When you have to tell us you’re not a racist, you’ve probably been one for a long time. And when you tell us how much integrity you have, but then write a statement contradicting it, it leads to you being No. 1 on this list.

Student-athletes getting paid is not ruining college athletics

Georgia football coach Kirby Smart speaks during the Southeastern Conference’s spring meetings

The way NIL deals are covered, you’d think they’re illegal. The go-to analogy for every college football pundit over 50 is it’s the Wild West, a time period of American history readily associated with outlaws, bank robberies, train heists, gunslingers, genocide, and general lawlessness. Also rampant in the Old West: Slavery! Great job, guys! Yes, we’re pioneering the unknown of actually compensating a workforce responsible for generating billions of dollars. How foreign, how outlandish, how… un-American.

One SEC athletic director even went as far as to say, “Let’s be honest, we are all money laundering.” Alright, calm down. The Medellín Cartel isn’t asking you to legitimize drug and blood money, and compared to the crime the NCAA has been perpetrating for years, NIL deals are a traffic ticket.

I, for one, am actually reveling in the chaos caused by NIL deals and the transfer portal. It’s refreshing to see big banks taking little banks all over the college landscape, and the more power the players have, the angrier the powers that were get. (And who doesn’t love a pissed-off Nick Saban?)

SEC schools are Robin Hooding it, and we’re mad?

Sports Illustrated published an article Tuesday titled “Inside the NIL Battle That Is Splintering the SEC: ‘We’re All Money Laundering.’” It’s a well-written piece even if it’s a little gaslight-y, but my main takeaway is that the premier college football conference in America is operating like the 1 percent on Tax Day.

States are exploiting loopholes within loopholes for the benefit of have-nots. Of course, boosters and universities aren’t finding ways to pay players altruistically; it’s for self-interest and profits. However, the bottom line is players are being paid. They’re the ones on the courts, between the hedges, doing the heavy lifting, and risking injury, and should benefit monetarily.

Diplomas only open so many doors, and you can’t hock them at pawn shops. Cash in hand is better than two certificates in the bush. These ADs and coaches complaining about getting their hands dirty are full of shit to the nth degree. They should be celebrating, the media should be celebrating, and society should be celebrating because this is a good thing.

I don’t care which rules are being bent, what states can do what, or who is tripping over themselves to keep up. It’s just nice, for once, to someone other than unpaid athletes scrambling due to the NCAA’s greed and incompetence.

Figure out NIL deals on the fly

The NIL system isn’t perfect, but it’s all we got. And it’s all we got because colleges and the NCAA still refuse to pay the players. If there was some uniformity, maybe these kids would stop acting like mercenaries. Instead, they’ve been told to fend for themselves, and we can’t be surprised by the capitalistic appetites of kids who grew up in America.

So, yes, it sucks that Title IX is being violated, and not every athlete is being compensated equally. It’s not the fucking Wild West though. That implies student athletes/unpaid workers are taking something that’s not owed to them.

They deserve a portion of the profit, and every athlete should be given a pass any time they take advantage of a bag that’s offered to them legally. The real criminals are the universities and the NCAA, who still tell us there’s not enough money.

There’s plenty of cash to go around, and that’s evident in all of the new, creative mechanisms being concocted to filter money to kids on a nonexistent payroll. 

NIL is paying players scraps while the Power 5 just pulled in over $3 billion in revenue

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At a time in which some (fans, coaches, athletic directors, media members, school presidents, and politicians) are upset with the way that NIL has changed college sports, it’s rather hypocritical how that same crowd often falls silent when USA Today Sports releases their annual findings — and discovered that Power Five conferences combined to make $3.3 billion in revenue for the fiscal year of 2022.

Teenagers keep making adults wealthy.

According to the report, in 2017, 2018, and 2019, the combined revenues for the Big Ten, Big 12, SEC, ACC, and Pac-12 increased by an annual average of about 8.4 percent. And if that would have been maintained — if not for a global pandemic — in 2020, 2021, and 2022, the projected numbers for fiscal 2022 would have been more than $3.7 billion.

Here’s a look at the numbers by conference:

  • Big Ten: $845.6 million — payout, $58.8 million (except Nebraska, Maryland & Rutgers for being newer members)
  • SEC: $802 million — payout, around $49.9 million
  • ACC: $617 million — payout, $37.9 million to $41.3 million
  • Pac-12: $580.9 million — payout, $37 million
  • Big 12: $480.6 million — payout, $42 million to $44.9 million

For comparison’s sake, here were the revenues for the Power Five in fiscal 2019:

  • Big 12: $439 million — payouts ranged between $38 million and $42 million
  • ACC: $455.4 million — payouts ranged between $27.6 million to $34 million
  • SEC: $721 million — payouts were near $45.3 million
  • Big Ten: $781.5 million — payouts of $55.6 were made to the 12 longest-standing members of the 14-team conference
  • PAC-12: $530.4 million — payouts were $32.2 million

In case you forgot, COVID-19 really messed up the money. For instance, the NCAA and its member schools lost $800 million due to the cancellation of the 2020 tournament. In 2021, when the tournament returned, the NCAA made more than $1.15 billion in revenue, topping the $1.12 billion it made in 2019. And I still haven’t mentioned that last August, the Big Ten completed a seven-year, $7 billion media rights agreement with Fox, CBS, and NBC that will start on July 1.

All this money is flying around, but yet, some people are mad that the athletes are barely getting any of it.

“(Texas) A&M bought every player on their team. Made a deal for name, image, and likeness” Alabama head coach Nick Saban falsely claimed last May. As usual, Saban didn’t mention a word about how he had no issues with players making money for the conference as the SEC brought in $777.8 million during the fiscal year of 2020-2021, which was $120.1 million more than the conference made in 2019-2020.

Remember this, and how much money is being brought in by these athletes, when folks get mad when the next time a player wants to renegotiate their NIL deal like Isaiah Wong allegedly did, or are still upset that Jaden Rashada once had a proposed NIL deal that resembled a coach’s contract before he even went to prom. The money is out here, and the adults want to keep it all to themselves.

Jimbo Fisher glad he doesn’t have a gun at practice — excuse me, what?

Foot meet mouth.

Jimbo Fisher was all in his feelings last year when Nick Saban accused him of buying a top recruiting class with NIL money at a fundraising event. Fisher raised hell in response. He called Saban a narcissist and also said, “If you lied your old man slapped you on the head. Maybe someone should have slapped him on his.”

Maybe someone should have slapped Fisher on his head for offensive comments he made at a Texas A&M donor event. In a country — and state — dripping with blood from gun violence, Fisher decided to make a funny while talking about a troubling reason why enjoys a hobby.

“I love to quail hunt,” Fisher said to those in attendance at the Dallas A&M Club. “I like to hunt period. I just like to shoot things I guess. I’m glad I don’t have a gun at practice sometimes.”

Why would Jimbo Fisher brag about liking to shoot things?

Let’s momentarily set aside how problematic it is for a 57-year-old white man to make a joke about shooting his majority Black team. Players whose efforts allowed him to sign a 10-year $95 million contract extension in 2021.

The man said out loud “I just like to shoot things I guess.” Hunting for him is just live-action Duck Hunt. Maybe he trained a dog to hold up the quails after they hit the ground while he plays the tune of success from the video game on his phone.

I try to avoid kink-shaming in 2023, but that line is disturbing. Life is stressful and sometimes a physical release is necessary. Down your tequila in moderation folks, but I get it. After a five-day workweek, people need to be able to blow off some steam with the shillings they get for their contributions to the world economy.

Hunting is a pastime for some people that I’ll never get, but also don’t judge. I’m likely going to eat a hamburger today, and the journey for that beef to get from the barn to my belly has to begin somewhere. The quails that Fisher shoots down likely died a much more humane death than the cow that provided my double with cheese.

The fact that Bo Jackson is as accurate with a bow and arrow as he was throwing out Harold Reynolds from right field might be his most impressive athletic trait. Fisher can shoot down all of the quails that he is legally allowed to, but the act of firing a gun is such a delight for him is disturbing.

Fisher didn’t talk about using the quail call, or coaxing the birds out of hiding like an opposing defense in its pre-snap shell, he just likes shooting the damn things. Firing lead into flesh and feathers is soothing to the head coach of Texas A&M football.

Back to the race thing. Firearms are the leading cause of death for young people. Firearm fatality rates are at their highest in America in 28 years, with Black men catching the worst of it. Fisher flippantly making a joke about using a gun on a player for dropping a pass, mixing up an audible, or perhaps giving 95 percent effort during an August drill in the Texas sun instead of 100 is tactless, indecent, and offensive.

Guns aren’t toys Jimbo. They end the lives of those animals that you get such a rush out of shooting in your free time. Maybe go with a different topic for your next open-mic routine at an event for Texas A&M donors.

One-liners about Saban will always go over well in that room.

Tommy Tuberville thinks white nationalists are getting a bad rap

People actually voted for this jabroni

Tommy Tuberville’s claim to fame as a football coach was derived from his silver-tongued salesmanship when it came time to recruit African-American teens, in their homes, and in front of their parents or coaches to his program. He peaked at Auburn in the early-to-mid 2000s and then bounced right when Nick Saban’s reign began at Alabama. Tuberville tried to depict himself in a positive light, but the clues were always there that he was a scumbag. Tuberville bounced between jobs after leaving Auburn in 2008 and when he couldn’t cut it in college football anymore, he transitioned to a sector where he could showcase his disdain for Americans while also displaying his stunning lack of intellect — the United States Senate.

These days, Tuberville is a detestable extreme right-wing Senator from Alabama, where he’s served since being elected to serve. In the Senate in 2020, the cause Tuberville expressed sympathy for was the exiling of white nationalists from polite society, government, and military institutions. More specifically, he harbors disdain for anyone who opposes white nationalists proliferating through the military.

Tuberville asks reporter to define what a white nationalist is

During a recent interview with WHBM in Birmingham, Alabama, Tuberville expressed his grievance with white nationalists being rooted out of the military.

“Democrats are attacking our military, saying we need to get out the white extremists, the white nationalists, people that don’t believe in our agenda, as Joe Biden’s agenda,” Tuberville told host Richard Banks.

When reporters followed up on his controversial statements, Tuberville twisted himself into a pretzel during an exchange. Initially, he attempted to defend his stance by asking NBC News reporter Julie Tsirkin to define what a white nationalist is. After Tsirkin informed an apparently surprised Tuberville that a white nationalist “is someone who propagates Naziism. Someone who doesn’t believe Black and Brown people are equal to White people,” the Alabama senator coyly asked if a white nationalist is a Nazi. That type of ignorance will be commonplace in a world where Republicans ban books and neuter history.

Tisrkin succinctly edified Tuberville on the well-established shared beliefs of Nazis and white nationalists. However, Tuberville disagreed, responding, “ I look at a white nationalist as a Trump Republican.”

I did say he wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, didn’t I? As an SEC football coach, Tuberville shrouded his despicable beliefs behind the phone coach persona, but his turn towards protecting white nationalists is in sharp opposition to beliefs that Black people are criminals, his opposition to Middle Eastern immigrants, and his refusal to condemn racism.

Tuberville attempted to course-correct by blathering on about how Democrats are to blame for his own tongue relating white nationalists to MAGA Americans, but the Freudian slip speaks for itself. I haven’t seen a defense that raggedy since Tuberville’s final season on a sideline.

Nick Saban made sure you knew he was the NFL Draft

Where does one obtain a ballet slippers pink suit? Asking for a friend.

I see what you’re doing Nick Saban. You knew that you were going to have two players selected top five in the NFL Draft, and you were not about to let that recruiting opportunity go to waste. It was time to remind the world who the true boss is in college football.

So what if Kirby Smart has won the last two National Championships, Saban’s Alabama Crimson Tide just produced the first offensive and defensive player selected in the draft. Until Smart decides to start a real live explosive football player at quarterback, he will never be able to sell that to recruits. Being that he doesn’t put those types of players behind center, of course he certainly doesn’t have to swag to pull off Saban’s outfit from Day 1 of the 2023 NFL Draft.

Everybody look at Nick

When the draft broadcast showed Bryce Young’s area in the green room — a.k.a the lobby at Kansas City’s Union Station — Saban was in the group looking like he’s Cam’Ron’s godfather. I know that the throwback style of the aughts is making a comeback, but a pink sports jacket and tie, somebody wanted to stand out on Thursday night.

That’s a true salesman right there folks. When Jalen Carter got selected by the Philadelphia Eagles, if you blinked you would have missed Smart dressed like a speaker at CPAC. Saban certainly has a reputation for being a hard ass but he has also gone viral doing the Cupid Shuffle at a recruit’s home — and very well I might add. I wonder if of the many people on the Alabama football staff, Saban has a quality control assistant in charge of keeping him crisp on line dances he’ll have to perform on the recruiting trail.

Recruiting never stops

In the age of NIL, no potential advantage should be left unexplored. Athens is certainly a much more active college town than Tuscaloosa, and also has a celebrity fan base that is much more relatable to a teenager than anyone who might appear on an Alabama sideline other than former players.

Alabama lost the SEC last year, but it did win the recruiting war. Both Rivals and 24/7 Sports ranked The Tide’s 2023 class as the best in America. Saban may be nearly 25 years older than Smart, but he isn’t ready to cede his throne as the godfather of college football just yet.

The outfit choice was an alpha move. He stepped out ready for a 50-and-over night at a Kansas City jazz joint. With Young and Will Anderson going No. 1 and No. 3, he is using draft night as a national television commercial. He’s telling recruits, “Yeah you can go to Georgia, but the man with the master plan is in Alabama.”

Hendon Hooker might be the gem of the 2023 NFL Draft Class, despite his age

Hendon Hooker is already 25

Any team lacking a true QB1 that is picking No. 15 or lower in the 2023 NFL Draft needs to take a long look at former Tennessee Volunteers signal-caller Hendon Hooker. He has his flaws, but on the field, they are no worse than any of the top quarterback prospects. His are just different. Hooker has ideal size, mobility, and arm strength, and he played in two different offenses during his college career — albeit one was eternally run-heavy at Virginia Tech.

The hang-up on Hooker, even more than playing in Josh Heupel’s quarterback-friendly offense, is his age. He turned 25 years old in January. The NFL has been skittish about drafting quarterbacks that age and up for many years. The concern is both wear and tear on a body closer to 30 years old than college freshman, and also the lack of upside. At 25 years old a quarterback should be starting to realize his potential. Teaching a player at that age the professional game would require an organization to be patient with a player up until he is at least 28 years old.

Why put a serious investment in a collegiate player in his mid-20s when the option to select someone younger and be naturally more patient with is always available? Also, Hooker has a second ding against him. He tore an ACL in November 2022.

Writing off Hooker is easy for front office executives is an easy decision, as opposed to the risk of selecting him in which the consequence can be termination. However, even with the red flags Hooker is still reportedly high on many draft boards, and will likely be a first-round pick. Per Next Gen Stats, Hooker has the second-best draft score of all quarterbacks in the draft, trailing only Bryce Young.

In ESPN’s Mel Kiper’s final mock draft, he has the Los Angeles Rams trading into the first round to select him. The reason for all of this buzz, Hooker is an extraordinarily talented football player.

Not the same as his late-20s QB predecessors

Hooker is not Chris Weinke or Brandon Weeden. Those two spent a college football career playing professional baseball. They later returned to football and put up huge statistics at their respective schools. Hell, Weinke won a Heisman Trophy at Florida State. However, they spent years away from the game, and benefited from loaded offenses. Hooker was on a major college football roster immediately after his high-school graduation and only received a fifth year of eligibility because of an airborne virus that shut down the world.

Hooker redshirted his freshman year at VT. Over the next two years, he was not able to firmly attach himself to the starting quarterback job in an offense that averaged 43 carries per game. He did not begin either the 2019 or 2020 season as Virginia Tech’s starter. In 2020 he rushed for more than 600 yards and averaged 5.2 yards per carry but he wasn’t able to keep the QB1 job even after winning it back.

In early 2021, Hooker transferred to Tennessee. Again, he would not be named Week 1 starter. When starter Joe Milton got hurt in Week 2, Hooker never let go of the spot after completing 71.4 percent of his passes and throwing for two touchdowns.

During Hooker’s two years at Tennessee, he never threw more than three interceptions or averaged less than 9.5 yards per attempt in a season. In 2022, Hooker led Tennessee to its first double-digit win season since 2007 and might have won the Heisman Trophy had he not suffered that ACL injury in the second to last game of the regular season.

Tennessee’s offense was a weekly highlight reel, led by Hooker putting the ball on pass catchers’ number, hip, high-point spot, wherever it needed to be on deep balls. He was also still a significant contributor in the running game with 430 yards and five touchdowns on the ground.

As well as he played in 2022, Hooker is not perfect. Heupel’s offense only requires a quarterback to read half of the field, so Hooker is going to have to become comfortable going farther into his progressions. Also, his intermediate accuracy needs work — arguably the most important depth to master in the NFL.

For whatever work he needs at 25 years old, do not forget that Hooker pulled off a Patrick Mahomes moment last season. He led Tennessee into scoring position in only 15 seconds, allowing the Vols to defeat Alabama for the first time since 2006 — the year before Nick Saban took over as head coach.

For those who want to shy away from Hooker because of his age, turned off by flaws in his game, or an injury that should not prevent him from being healthy for Week 1. It appears though that the NFL is well aware of the talent that Hooker possesses, so fans of teams picking in the middle of the first round that need a quarterback rub your lucky rabbit’s foot and hope that your squad makes a smart choice.

Don’t threaten me with responsibility after a big win

LSU fans stormed the field after the Tigers defeated rival Alabama in OT

The SEC is threatening extreme punishment for fanbases who rush the field or court after big home wins. Two of the potential repercussions are an immediate forfeiture of the win that’s being celebrated, or ceding the rights to the winner’s next home game between the two teams. So LSU’s win over Alabama in Baton Rouge last year would’ve been immediately vacated, or the Tigers would be visiting Tuscaloosa for the next three seasons.

That’s a bit excessive, and if the point of the new regulation is to promote safety, it’s going to be hard to defend that stance when that on-field celebration erupts into a riot. However, instead of coming here with complaints, I’m offering solutions because, A) Rushing the court/field is merited in certain situations, and B) Please don’t take away the possibility of 60,000 Tennessee fans having a cathartic cigar with Josh Heupel and Hendon Hooker after beating the Crimson Tide for the first time in Nick Saban’s tenure.

Greenlight a potential storming before the game

The only problem I have with fans celebrating on the hardwood or 50-yard line is when it’s uncalled for. All upsets aren’t created equal, but after a few too many adult bevies, you can talk drunken college kids into doing just about anything. (This is the generation that grew up eating Tide pods.)

So how about a committee — with a student advisor on board — that weighs whether the W would be worthy of the celebration? Take all factors into consideration from the opponent, to drought between historic wins, program success/standing, and pent-up frustration, and then determine whether it’s worthy.

While I’m a proponent of acting like you’ve been there per Dr. Tom Osborne’s advice, no student currently enrolled in Lincoln remembers the Cornhuskers’ last monumental win, and you better believe if Nebraska ever beats a ranked opponent again, Big Red fans are trapezing all over Memorial Stadium.

There are a lot of gray areas, so the more scientific approach, the better. The key, though, would be to avoid motivating the opponent by declaring a field to be rush-able upon victory. That risks provoking the favorite, and that’s the last thing you want to do when you need an avalanche of breaks to come out on top.

My solution would be to keep the decision in-house, and then install a light on the field that turns green to indicate that it’s OK to hop the guardrail — or maybe just broadcast “Rush the field” on the jumbotron. That would give schools an opportunity to plan for the best-case scenario, bolster security, and idiot-proof all the outlets. You could even flood the field with ball pit balls or bubbles to add a little wrinkle to the party. (I got a great sand guy.)

Roll out a UFC cage for overzealous fans and sore loser

The real reason storming the field is dangerous is because of visiting players. The last thing any of them want to do on their way to the showers is to be accosted by a blacked-out moron talking shit. Jermaine Burton allegedly smacked a UT fan on the way to the locker room after that wild loss last fall, and who could blame him?

Well, Saban did, but that’s beside the point. How about letting the loser take out any hard feelings on somebody who is literally asking for it? I know more than a few patrons have the requisite amount of liquid courage in their bloodstream to put on a helmet and a pair of Sock ’Em Boppers.

It’s basically a bum fights spinoff, but it’s toothless SEC fans who have been brown-bagging liquor for the past 12 hours, and a future NFL D-linemen in place of Kimbo Slice. Imagine a post-game show doubling as a pre-fight show, and a night of pigskin punctuated by a few overhand rights?

I know this is different because LeGarrette Blount dropped a Boise State player and not a fan, but that was a nice little aperitif of adrenaline after three hours of it. All I know is the best part of a big win is reveling in the aftermath, and I want more nights featuring fans throwing goalposts in the Tennessee River, not less.